**NEVER WAX YOUR HOO-HA**
It's a long read but so worth it
*NEVER WAX YOUR HOO-HA**
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises ofeasy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Fix dinner,watch the grand kids come and go.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind forthe next few hours: 'Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicinecabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom...
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump ofhot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm andyou peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and youpull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean,I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YATHINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing eachother stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so Iget out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,'yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around ittight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can dothis! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of allwayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on thefamily, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fightingchampionship. I drop my granny panties and place one foot on the toilet. Usingthe same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikiniline, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside ofmy butt cheek (it was a long strip).
I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!..... OH MYGAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull offhalf the strip.
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning andspotted. I think I may pass out.... I must stay conscious... I must stayconscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe.... OK,back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that hascaused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel inthe glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's nohair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. Isee the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not! Itouch.. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive partof my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake .... remember my foot is stillpropped upon the toilet? So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! Mybutt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroomtrying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let meget the urge to poop.. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? Hotwater!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottestwater I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and thewax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right ???
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used totorture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the onlything worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having themglued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.... in scalding hotwater. Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to thebottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the AT&T man who had convinced me a few months agoto have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely shehas waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a verygood conversation starter.
'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of thetub!' There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks forremoval but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to knowexactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?' She'slaughing out loud by now ... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and shesuggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else'snight. While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape thewax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girliegoodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water andthen dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hikeand I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for thisevent. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my savinggrace..... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I reallyhave to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The screamprobably woke the family and scared the dickens out of my friend.. It's sooopainful, but I really don't care.
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. Isuccessfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief anddespair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave itoff. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.. I could haveamputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......how bad can that turnout???
Jeep's are cute. Barbie drives one.