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gavman
05-09-2011, 10:02 PM
Oh ok its working, got some real good jokes coming up this Friday... watch this spot (couldn't post for awhile:dontknow: site problems)

gavman
05-09-2011, 10:03 PM
One is a cracking Sean Connery joke with a loose gire who is famous in some parts

gavman
05-15-2011, 10:42 PM
> > Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
> > Murphy loses 500 Euros on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
> > dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
> > five continue playing standing up.
> >
> > Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to
> > tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?'
> >
> > They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.. They tell him to be
> > discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
> >
> > 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
> > is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
> >
> > Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy
> > answers, and asks what he wants.
> >
> > Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost 500 Euros, and is afraid to
> > come home'
> >
> > 'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife...
> >
> > 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
> >
> > ***********************************
> >
> > Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
> > over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
> > cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
> > 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
> >
> > 'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
> >
> > 'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must
> > have had something in his hand.'
> >
> > 'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
> > beatin' he gave me with it.'
> >
> > 'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
> > something in your hand?'
> >
> > That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it
> > was; but useless in a fight.'
> >
> > *****************************
> >
> > An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
> > city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
> > road.
> >
> > A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya
> > been?'
> >
> > 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the Irishman.
> >
> > 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
> > evening.'
> >
> > 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
> >
> > 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms
> > across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
> > your car?'
> >
> > 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs Paddy. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone
> > deaf.'
> >
> > ***************************
> >
> > Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
> > and she's in tears.
> >
> > He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
> >
> > She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
> > night.'
> >
> > The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
> > any last requests?'
> >
> > She says, 'That he did, Father.'
> >
> > The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
> >
> > She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down the gun....'
> >
> > **************************
> >
> > AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .
> >
> > A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
> > down, but says nothing.
> >
> > The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
> > continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the
> > wall.
> >
> > The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
> > either.

gavman
05-15-2011, 10:42 PM
A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ?
Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naybdeh aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want aw the weans brought up as Rangers fans."Once again it was agreed.
4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You've goat tae gee me another week tae come up with the 5 hunner quid".

gavman
05-15-2011, 10:43 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't F*%K with Mommy when she's been drinking."

gavman
05-15-2011, 10:43 PM
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 75 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'
'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'. Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks, 'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.

hillclimber
05-15-2011, 10:56 PM
awesome!!![36] [36] [36]